Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I have many, many friends who are LGBTQ. As I read through FaceBook I was rapt with the diversity of comments, celebrations, joy, and sadness sent back and forth between children and their mothers.

Having been involved in ExGay ministry for so many years, I knew hundreds of families that wrestled with homosexuality and transgender issues to no avail. Hope was deferred by the lack of desired changes. Parents hoping beyond all hope that their kids would not have to endure being gay and children wanting so much to please their parents through their expended energy to find change in their sexual orientation.

Today I’m in contact with many of those whom I’d worked with through Love In Action. I knew the families, saw the love and the pain exchanged through Family and Friends weekend participation. Now, I see the outcomes after so many years of walking through the journey. Did their kids change? Is there still a desire to see change? Have they accepted homosexuality as a part of life that isn't so bad? Some parents have loosened their grips on their expectations of change. Others have joined their kids in accepting homosexuality as part of their lives and no longer see it as a sinful unhealthiness to be healed. Some parents continue to hold out for change and continue to convey a message to their kids that God would want them to be different.

I’ve seen some of the LGBT kids have been able to navigate through their parents’ struggles to find a love relationship with them. Others have found their freedom through an emotional separation from their parents. Then there are those who live a life of conflict, ambivalence and emotional manipulation back and forth in a love-hate relationship experience. It certainly isn't easy.

I know many of the backstories in families that remain distant and conflicted over homosexuality within their life of their family. I also know what were once the painful realities that have now become glorious testimonies of love and acceptance that have produced an incredible depth in the love relationship between parents and their children.

Yes, another Mother's Day has come and gone. Some left feeling at peace, others with deep conflict.  Ultimately the resolve comes in the form of conversation. A willingness to speak and to listen and to place no boundaries on what can or cannot be said. Always with respect and a listening ear, this is the way through the circumstances.

We don't have to agree, or have the same standards. But we will do well to love and value one another even more so when we don't.

Far too many parents and their children stand at arms length away from each other in fear that we'll lose one another. But in reality, the space between us is a loss. It's a loss of what it could be if the gap were closed.

FaceBook was filled with diversity yesterday and I felt joy, and sadness as I read through the posts. There is hope but and it may come before next Mother's Day.

A beautiful letter for mom’s of LGBTQ kids.

Any time you write a post to moms, there’s always the risk of leaving someone out. Today I (Alise) am writing to one specific group of moms – the moms in Liz Dyer’s group for Christian moms of LGBTQ kids. If that’s you, you can email Liz at lizdyer55@gmail.com to request information on how to join.

https://knittingsoul.com/2016/05/08/to-the-moms-of-queer-kids/

I see you today.

Standing in church,

wondering if you belong.

Wondering if you can share

the pictures of your son

and his boyfriend at prom.

Wondering if you can send invitations

to your daughter’s wedding,

when the people in the pews

knew her as your son.

Wondering if your daughter,

with her suit and shaved head,

will be turned away

at the ladies room.

I see you today.

Not sure if you’re ever going back

to church, after being asked to keep silent

about your gay child.

Hurt over and over again

by a religion that valued rules

over relationships.

Forced to choose between

your flesh and blood family

and those who claim to be your spirit family.

Told you are mutilating your trans son,

told that your love is lacking

because you won’t call your daughter

an abomination.

I see you today.

Not sure if you are ready

to fully embrace your child

after he told you, “I’m gay.”

Feeling torn apart by guilt,

ripped in half by lost expectations.

Wondering if you can love Jesus

and your lesbian daughter.

Learning terms and phrases,

that remind you that your child

isn’t like other children.

I see you today.

Holding your child’s hand proudly,

knowing that there can be no boundaries

when it comes to loving your offspring.

You fight fiercely,

you love unconditionally,

you cry deeply,

and you laugh joyfully.

You don’t let others tell you

what love looks like.

You’ve felt it,

and you refuse to allow it

to be quenched.

I see you today,

you moms of queer kids.

I see you,

and I love you.

Written by Alise

Another beautiful letter, from Susan Cottrell:

Dear Beautiful Child of God,

YES, YOU ARE a beautiful child of God, I don’t care what anyone has told you. I feel a bit helpless here. If I could, I would open a home to welcome you and other LGBTQ kids who have been disenfranchised by their families.

I can tell you what I would say if you were my child. I will speak to you from my heart, to say the many things your parents, and your church, should have said but failed to.

To read the rest what Susan says in her letter, click this link:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/freedhearts/2015/08/19/if-you-were-my-gay-child-this-is-what-i-would-tell-you/

Supportive resources for moms / parents:

Susan Cottrell, Freed Hearts Ministry

https://freedhearts.wordpress.com

Liz Dyer

https://serendipitydodah.wordpress.com/about/

Sara Cunningham – How We Sleep at Night
A christian mother comes to terms with her son being gay through a personal journey that starts with the Church and ends at the Pride Parade.

http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Sleep-At-Night/dp/1499725388

A Very Difficult Discussion

With all of the news and media messages reacting to North Carolina and Mississippi’s attempt to construct ways of dealing with diverse sexuality, I’m struck with something as I ponder all of this. I’m rapt with an intense reality of how hard it is for us to be empathetic towards one another’s personal experiences and to truly listen to one another’s hearts.

While reading a FaceBook friend’s post about this this morning that said, “The answer is simple!” I immediately got defensive in my heart thinking, “It’s NOT simple!” But what is the answer? How do we respond to a person’s need for privacy, comfort, or just a sense of protection when it comes to going to the bathroom? Or how about feeling comfortable where we expend most of our time and energy at our place of employment, or searching for resources for a very special celebration such as a wedding? Is it possible that we can construct laws that truly protect freedoms in our current culture for all?

I’m not sure we can satisfy everyone or even the majority. But one thing I do think about is what would happen if a woman who is very private about her body, her gender, her children; would sit around a discussion table with transgender men and women who have struggled an entire lifetime hoping to find safety and authenticity? What if that table included adolescents, senior citizens, businessmen, farmers, migrant workers and others to discuss how to handle the use of public restrooms? Is it possible to have that dialogue and truly listen to one another without having to have it our way?

As I worked through my defensiveness over my friend’s FaceBook post I had to sit down and attempt to look through her eyes. I had to reread the conservative political post she pasted into her status update and try to hear their words, their experience. I finally realized that it’s not just about a transgender male seeking to be validated in their assimilation to what they believe to be their true and authentic self. It’s also not just about a man who feels threatened while standing at a urinal with someone walking behind him who looks more like a woman than the other man standing next to him. It’s also not all about a mother who is taking her children to the bathroom and a very masculine looking person walks in beside them. We are not all one kind of people with the same experiences in life.

Truly, it’s not all about any of them, but it is about each of them. Each one has their point, their experience, their needs for comfort and safety in a very personal space, equally. But how in the world could this possibly be resolved when we’ve built our entire culture based on pictures of a body with pants and a symbol of a body wearing a triangular shaped dress. Humanity isn’t that cut and dried!

I believe that in time, our younger people will be less likely to see people in such simple forms. I think this dialogue is opening up the discussion to a more real and honest discussion. I think we’re really struggling with a transition of generational experience and opinion. The more mature are living with something hitting them in the face that is extremely uncomfortable such as gay marriage, transgendered people becoming public all around them. With the more public exposure we are seeing and hearing LGBT people who are finally free to live more authentically and are unwilling to go backwards into the closeted life that was painful and stifling.

The dialogue is occurring and it’s strained. People are reacting, over reacting, and fighting with laws and protests against their fears. Our culture is shifting quickly and it’s painful.

But in the long run, I think we are getting better. We’re getting healthier, stronger, and over all I truly believe we are becoming more loving towards one another. Sometimes it’s hard to see through the media representing a public battle, but ask anyone who has been maligned in the past due to gender, color, sexuality, or any other differences and I think you’ll find more who are happier, more free, and living a fuller life than in years past.

A friend talked the other day about an increase of sexual abuse in a particular county here in Texas. I said, “I’m not sure there’s an increase, but the culture is now more able to talk about it, revealing more cases and creating a greater need for people who can deal with the reality of what has always been.” Yes, the need is greater, but I think sexual abuse and child abuse has always been far to frequent but we didn’t talk about it, and certainly didn’t give our kids permission to bring out.

We’re learning how to deal better with special needs, sexual abuse, LGBT people, women and children through this needed but very difficult exposure. Bringing these things to the light exposes the ugliness that has been lurking in the dark for far too long. Now, we just have to sort through the things that are on the table. It’s clumsy and we’ve made many mistakes in our attempts to resolve the uniqueness of diversity within our culture. But take a deep breath. We’re not through yet.

Banning Sexual Conversion Therapy

As the Executive Director and on behalf of the Board of Directors of Grace Rivers Ministry, I’d like to make the following statement regarding the banning of Sexual Orientation Conversion Therapy.

At Grace Rivers Ministry, we believe that a person must make healthy, authentic, and respectful decisions about how they will act upon their sexual desires. We believe people should be given the freedom by loved ones, the culture, and religious institutions to make those decisions without condemnation or coercion within appropriate limitations such as rape, pedophilia, sex slavery or sexual acts that will emotionally or physically damage another person. We also believe that a person considering marriage to a person who has a different sexual orientation should do so with great caution, counsel, and honesty with themselves and the one they are considering marrying.

We know that within religious culture there is vast disagreement as to what the Bible says or doesn’t say about homosexuality or transsexuality. Due to these diverse perspectives we believe a person should also have the freedom to believe and to follow their religious convictions in their actions and sexual relationships. However, we do not believe that a person’s sexual orientation can be changed through counseling, conversion therapy, Reparative Therapy or religious practices such as deliverance, or exorcism.

We believe that messages that communicate that someone’s sexual orientation can be changed through such processes or that one’s orientation should attempt to be changed to conform to society or religious belief can be tremendously harmful. At times these messages or practices can even be toxic to a person’s sense of self and psychological well being.

It is also our experience that when a person marries someone with a different sexual orientation (“Mixed Orientation Marriage”) that this marriage is destined to have great complications including the probability of divorce in time. We advise an honest evaluation of the potential effects prior to making the decision to enter into a mixed orientation marriage.

We stand against counseling practices aimed at changing one’s sexual orientation. It is our conviction that it is far better to provide support, counsel, and mentors to help people accept their sexual orientation as it is. It is within these supportive actions and relationships that we believe a person can far better make healthy and appropriate decisions as to their sexual practice and relationships.

Psychological problems, addictions, unhealthy relationships and the potential for suicidal ideations and actions can come as a result of coercion to change, or condemnation for individuals whose sexual orientations are different from the hetero-normative. When youth struggle with accepting their homosexuality or transsexualism and they do not have healthy and supportive mentoring, this can delay their emotional and sexual development causing immature, harmful and potentially damaging consequences.

I have personally been negatively impacted and I’ve experienced the consequences brought about by sexual conversion therapy. I also have led hundreds of men and women through sexual conversion therapy over a period of two decades. I’ve seen the harm and painful outcome of this inappropriate attempt to alter or change a person’s sexual orientation or identity.

We believe that sexual conversion therapy should be considered harmful, destructive, and should be banned as the toxic practice that it is.

John J. Smid, Executive Director

Board of Directors, Grace Rivers Ministry

www.gracerivers.com

jjsmid@gracerivers.com

We support of the Born Perfect campaign. NCLR (National Center for Lesbian Rights)  has launched #BornPerfect: The Campaign to End Conversion Therapy in the next five years by passing laws across the country to protect LGBT kids, fighting in courtrooms to ensure their safety, and raising awareness about the serious harms caused by these dangerous practices.

Conflicting Message With the Word "Change"

I saw a link to an interview with Jackie Hill, a professed Ex-Lesbian. It's titled "Ex-lesbian Spoken Word Poet Slams Macklemore’s Anthem ‘Same Love’ for Claiming Gays Can’t Change." I was quite disturbed because of the message of eternal damnation for homosexuality, and the mixed messages about the concept of change.

In the lyrics of Macklemore's song he says:

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

Macklemore's  lyrics communicate the plight that so many have lived as they've tried their hardest and in faith, to change their sexual orientation.

For over twenty-five years I heard and taught the message “you can change” in connection to homosexuality. Thousands of people were deceived including myself due to an unclear message of what the word change means. Many, if not most us believed it meant we could experience an eradication of our homosexual desires. We were taught God could to anything, and if we believed in faith, God just might give us our miracle. So, we desperately sought to find changes in our sexual orientation. I believed that I would experience a damaged relationship with God if I didn’t find the change I looked for. I sought deliverance, counseling, prayer healing, and I spent $30,000 and invested most of my adult life seeking this kind of change. I found no change at all.

Very often the motives for people like me to experience such desperation was a theology that taught that someone who was homosexual would die an eternal death at the hand of God’s righteous judgment for what we called homosexual sin. I believe this theology is fraught with problems. If that were true, then habitual gossips, slanderers, and others would also find their eternity in jeopardy.

Jackie says in her article, “she saw that she "deserved Hell" for her lifestyle” She then goes on to say, “If God chooses not to change my desires, he has promised to give me his Holy Spirit that will help me flee from them.”

“I actually started to consider hell in exchange for her being my wifey,” Hill said in her poem. “Then one day the Lord spoke to me. He said, ‘She will be the death of you.’”

Jackie seems to believe she will lose her eternity because of being actively gay. It appears that her motivation to suppress her lesbianism is due to that intense fear. And yet, she has not found the changes that she says can occur and “slams Macklemore’s anthem ‘Same Love’ for claiming gays can’t change.” This is deceiving, and for some who experience homosexuality, it is potentially dangerous to their relationship with God because it conveys that someone can change their sexual orientation and yet Jackie speaks in her article as though she herself has not experienced that change.

This message also sends parents and loved ones into spiritual tailspins in fear that their children will also go to hell if they don’t change. This theology therefore beings destruction to the relationships between gay people and those they love because they fear hell for them.

The truth is people do not change their sexual orientation. Jackie has not. God does not condemn anyone to hell for being gay, or even for having a gay relationship. Jackie believes that could happen. People can make choices as to how they will respond to being gay. They may choose, as Jackie did, to live a celibate life. But let's not call that change. I call that personal choice. God will not abandon us no matter what is chosen. Neither will He abandon any of us for our actions.

I hope that at some point, Jackie will find the true freedom within  God's intense love for her and that she will find freedom from shame and fear that God will snuff her out if she doesn't act right.

I Oppose Sexual Conversion Therapy

I was involved in Love In Action for twenty-two years and served on the board for Exodus International for eleven of those years. I entered the ministry with the hope that as self proclaimed experts in their field, they could help me to eradicate homosexuality from my life. It was my belief that somehow through those that ascribed to being professionals in conversion therapy, they would have the answer for my search to find what they said was "freedom from homosexuality.

What I found was further shame and an ongoing message that I needed "healing" from "issues" that may have led me to be gay to begin with. So, after leaving ExGay ministry I have finally come to see that being gay is not something that I need healing from. Rather is is something I needed to accept about my life and embrace the truth. It has been in embracing this truth that I have finally feel the best emotionally and psychologically that I have ever felt in my life. I am more emotionally stable than I've ever been. I believe in myself, have tremendously decreased anxiety and I have a far more balanced sense of my whole being than ever.

Through my attempt to gain the healing I believed I needed, I was told that I had an intimacy disorder, that I struggled with misogyny, and that my wounded childhood caused me to have unmet emotional and psychological needs that I used to somehow attempt to repair my same sex deficit. The anxiety that I lived in while I believed I was sick and needed healing was an underlying reality for all of the years I embraced ExGay thinking.

I came to realize that Sexual Conversion Therapy was at the core of my imbalances and anxiety. It contained the message that I was sick, unhealthy, imbalanced, and that I needed healing for sexual brokenness. This was at the core of the anxiety and shame filled thinking that plagued my every day life. I have found it interesting, if not amazing, that today as I've accepted myself as a gay man I no longer struggle with any signs of an intimacy disorder, nor the psychological imbalances that I experienced all through those years. I no longer expend the internal energy attempting to cover up the shame that seemed to be a predominant factor in my life. I'm no longer wishing I would die early so as to not have to live in the pain of a broken life that seemed to never be healed.

I am a free man as Christ promises we can be through a relationship with Him!

For this reason personally as well for all of those who have had similar circumstances I stand with this group of nine others in a public statement against Sexual Conversion Therapy (and other terms for it such as Reparative Therapy).

This is our public statement:

Former Ex-Gay Leaders Unite in Opposition to Conversion Therapy

BuzzFeed did an exclusive article about our statement. (click here for article)

Another post by Daniel Gonzales (click here for article)

I'd Really Like to Hear.......

"Being willing to change allows you to move from a point of view to a viewing point - a higher, a more expansive place, from which you can see both sides."

Thomas Crum

As I read all of the posts about gay marriage, Christianity, homosexuality, ExGay stories, and the deep struggles of so many gay men and women to reconcile their lives with their homosexuality I find such a diverse selection of beliefs and convictions. Frankly, I’d love to hear this sometime:

“I’m an evangelical Christian, I believe in the Bible and its’ messages for our lives. I’m truly listening to the life stories of my LBGT friends. I’m trying to understand what it may be like to be a person of faith and gay."

"For the sake of my LBGT friends, I’m truly praying, seeking, and considering whether or not I’ve been wrong in my understanding of the Bible and its teaching on homosexual relationships. Until I completely understand what that is, I’ll love them, support them, and keep searching with an open heart.”

One of the first things I realized about four years ago is that there are extremely diverse teachings on homosexuality and the Bible. Men and women of scholarly research and knowledge have come to differing conclusions. Straight scholars, LBGT scholars, pastors, teachers and others disagree on the true teaching on this matter and what the Bible says and doesn’t say about same sex relationships.

This realization caused me to begin to rethink all of this for myself. I had taught against gay relationships for over twenty years with great conviction. But admittedly, I had only read or studied this from one perspective and believed I had no need to look any further. I held fast to believing the matter had been researched enough and that scholars much more learned than I am believed it to be a settled matter and there was no need for further discussion on it. I took on their convictions and held tightly to them.

When I found the diversity of belief to be coming from equally knowledgeable and experienced men and women I had to humble myself and begin to ask the harder questions. Had I been wrong? Was my dogmatism stemming from my own convictions and research, or was I just repeating what I had heard. Was my teaching a mere repetition of rhetoric that came from the culture of faith I had associated with?

I find there are far too many others just like myself. Those who believe they need to stand firm against homosexual relationships and gay marriage just because they had been taught that is the way they should believe.

I’m challenging those who really have never been open to reading or studying this matter from a different viewpoint. I'm asking if you might be willing to open up your hearts and minds to see differing views and to ponder – "Have we been wrong?"

I won’t deny, I now believe I was wrong. I now hold to a belief that gay men and women should be allowed to embrace and enjoy the intimacy of a committed relationship, and marriage if they so choose to make it a legal entity. The changes came as I was challenged to research it for myself and to open my own mind and heart to asking the harder questions.

Sure, I’m now in a committed gay relationship as a result of my convictions changing. But this is not why I’ve changed my perspectives four years ago when I did. Things changed when I reluctantly attended a six hour workshop on the Bible and homosexuality. I did have somewhat of an open mind when I went, but I was also skeptical to listen to the different views that were going to be presented. As a result of the information presented I began to read through the Bible on this issue for myself.

When my heart began to believe differently, I wasn’t looking for a gay relationship for myself. I began with an openness to validate the pain and suffering that so many of my gay friends had gone through. I listened to their hearts for the first time without judgment that their homosexual inclinations would lead them into sin if they acted upon it. As I listened, the new information I was digesting was validated. Their stories, and life experience resonated in what I was willing to consider. I could now see that the passages I had long believed to condemn homosexual relationships were not saying what I believed they had said at all! I was shocked and also somewhat frustrated about what I had been taught because I could now see that I had been wrong and believe that others were too.

I understand that there are those who have convictions different than mine. I'm not claiming that I have the definitive answers. If I did, I'd be as wrong as I was before. I have my own convictions and truly want there to be freedom for others to believe differently. I would just like to see more people grasp that this matter isn't as much of a sure things as once thought.

I believe that the faith community is now in a deep quandary and changing because some of the brave few are actually asking themselves the question, "Have I been wrong?" Can we look at this with an unbiased eye to see what is really said in our Bible and how to apply the wisdom and teaching of Jesus to this matter today in our contemporary culture? Can you honestly come to a place of willingness to affirm a gay relationship within the faith of Christ if you find you've been wrong?

I've Changed Religions

I’ve been pondering my spiritual history this week and came upon a dramatic realization. I’ve changed religions!

I grew up in the Catholic tradition. When I was a kid at school, we’d often talk around the school about what religion we were. Some were Baptist, others Lutheran or Presbyterian and I was Catholic along with some others. We knew our beliefs differed and really thought of our religions as major differences in our practices and where we attended church on Sunday. We didn’t consider ourselves as being Christians in a larger context. We also didn’t separate from one another; we just went to church somewhere different on Sundays.

As I grew up, I made the decision to stop going to church. When I got close to thirty years old some friends from high school talked with me about being “born again” and that Jesus was the focal point of their lives today. They really seemed convincing and passionate about their new religion. Both of them were Catholics when we were in school. Although I was curious about their new enthusiasm I wasn’t ready to go back to church.

About a year later I discovered a church that I was interested in. A new friend introduced me to it and said it was “non-denominational”. That was something new for me and I embraced the freedom that seemed to come along with not being labeled in any religion. But I soon found out it was Assembly of God and that it was in fact associated with a specific denomination but by that time, I had connected with the people there and didn’t care that we were Assembly of God.

From there I changed churches several times to belong to Charismatic independent churches, Presbyterian churches, and even Baptist churches. Throughout my church transitions it seemed most of us considered ourselves Christian and not necessarily a specific denomination. We connected on some basic tenants of belief and even went to events together under the cover of being Christians.

We held tightly to certain beliefs and soon I discovered there was an us vs. them attitude. We were saved, and there were people that weren’t. It was our responsibility to evangelize others to help them come to our side, our beliefs so that they could be saved too. I began to see the unsaved people around me as somewhat of a threat to my religion in that I was taught that they were of the world and I needed to be careful not to be tempted to fall away from my faith through associating with them without caution.

Then there were those who “fell away” from the faith. They were people who’s behaviors or beliefs were incongruent with what we, as Christians, believed. I was taught that the Bible said there were times when we needed to disassociate with some people who had fallen away in order to protect our fellowship and to allow them to find a life lesson that may bring them back to our side again.

In my journey I came to a place where I began to question some things that I had been taught. I held my questions tightly to my chest as I believed I would be challenged if I believed anything other than what I was taught I must believe in order to be close to God and others. Fear entered my spiritual journey. Fear that I could be wrong and lose God, fear that I could be ostracized by those around me if I began to believe differently.

At one point I began to throw my questions out on the table within a close-knit group of friends. I could see the discomfort on their faces as I made comments connecting to my internal questions. But by this time, I wasn‘t willing to stuff my questions back into the secret places of my heart. I truly wanted to know, I wanted to explore. I started to find things about what I was taught that I no longer believed for myself. I saw inconsistencies within the teachings and what I believed about God, what I believed about humanity. I felt a need to be a person of integrity and I could no longer espouse something that I wasn’t convicted to be my personal belief.

I didn’t think my questions were that far out of place. I still believed in the basic tenants of the Christian faith, Jesus, God, salvation, living a good, godly life. But I could tell that my surrounding fellowship of people were becoming more uncomfortable with my questioning mind and some of the conclusions I was coming to as a result of my own searching and discoveries.

At one point I began to search for others who were searching as I was. Through lunch meetings and casual conversation I began to find others that found the freedom to question the status quo. There was great liberty and excitement as I found I could be more connected in my heart and my faith.

One day two men from my regular fellowship contacted me to meet. I agreed and could feel something serious was about to take place. “John, we have come to believe you to be a false teacher, unrepentant, and in rebellion. We must break fellowship with you.” I wasn’t surprised, but the sting of that meeting still resonates within my heart. A group of people that I was closer to than anyone in my life at that time had made the decision that they could no longer speak with me. There was a warning of impending doom in my life if I continued down my path of deception.

I felt peace about the event as I’d come to a place where I didn’t believe all of the same things as they did and the changes in my own convictions brought deep discomfort in being around them anyway. It was right to separate even though it came through a measure of discipline from their perspective.

I was now free to continue my search for truth, for beliefs that were consistent with who I am and how I personally believe. I realized that things weren’t really changing for me as I had thought. Many of the beliefs that caused problems with my friends were things I had always believed. I realized that in an attempt to conform to the churches I was part of I tried to change my beliefs to their convictions.

I’ve realized that I’ve changed religions. But this has not come without tremendous cost to me personally. The overwhelming majority of people I have known throughout my experience with churches now consider me to be in rebellion, a false teacher, and unrepentant. They have overtly, and covertly disassociated from me. Some of these people I was very close to for many, many years! I thought them to be the best friends I’d ever had. Some of the men were pillars of life for me that I held tightly to for stability and security. No more! They’re gone, separated, standing in the scowling wings of my life. No more happy birthdays, or let’s have lunch. But I understand. I was there.

I was once one of those who scowled at others who had fallen away. Considering them to be in rebellion they were considered a threat to my own journey. I believed that I needed to prioritize protecting myself, and the flock from the likes of them. There weren’t many conversations to seek understanding or to hear their heart. My perception of their behaviors was enough for me to make a judgment about their spiritual life.

Now that I’m on the outside of where I was, things seem so different! I can see my judgment. I realize how many times I felt it important to separate without much concern, as it was what we were taught was the right thing to do. But I can also see how wounding and shaming that practice can be for those targeted for that action. I'm seeing how many of us there are who've been cut off, judged and deeply wounded.

I miss the closeness I felt with those friends but now I realize how much of our relationship was based on performance expectation. I can see how it was conditional based on having the same beliefs. I feel abandoned by many of them and it still hurts when I realize how many friends have acted upon the practice of separation regardless if it were overt or covert.

But, as a person who holds highly to a core value of integrity, I can no longer follow something that I don’t fully embrace. I can not be part of a religion that isn’t congruent with my personal convictions.

I also see how cult-like my former religious practices have been; follow the strong leader, believe the same ways, don’t question things and if you do you’ll be challenged. If your questions go too far you’ll be shamed, judged and kicked out for being rebellious. The fallacy is that if you're a Christian you believe the same thing as other Christians. But we all know, intuitively, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I wonder what would happen if we all became honest about what we truly believe? But, like my experience, there's too much fear of loss if we became honest about that. We'd certainly be judged.

I’m trying to find a new religion. I’m searching for connections with people whom I can connect with based on common journeys or beliefs. But the problem is that I have my own beliefs. I’m discovering that there are no two people who have the identical beliefs. I realize that we each have a spiritual journey to walk, to explore. It's a struggle for sure and there are times when I feel alone.

I’m finding that I can no longer separate myself from others in an attempt to find people who agree with me. I must embrace people as individuals with their own personal convictions even when they don’t agree with mine. I must bring into my life those who disagree with me, who hold to beliefs that are incongruent with mine. If I don’t, then I’m just like I used to be, a person who separates from people who are different.

Yep! I’ve changed religions! I feel guilty because of how I used to scowl at people who said they had their own religion. I used to judge people as trying to make their religion go along with their behavior. I considered their own religion as an attempt to rationalize life into a place they could find comfort.

Now, I realize that there must be freedom to explore! There must be freedom for people to discover their own religion, one that is congruent with their life and belief. But this does not come without a cost. As I write this journey down I continue to discover the wounds, I feel the anguish and would love to spew out of my pain. But that would not be productive and I need to continue to allow the healing from separation to continue. I'm not there yet, but I know how important freedom is and I wouldn't be where I am without having embraced that freedom for myself. I'm more at peace with me. I am living in the reality of the integrity that I believe in so strongly. The moments of pain are less, and shorter in duration. But there are still those times when I feel the prick of hurt. I want to continue to grow so that for one, I never do that to anyone again.

I trust God is big enough for our individuality. After all, we were all made unique, weren’t we? There are no two people who hold to the exact same beliefs. Why not recognize this and embrace life as it is?